How many times do I have to fail in order to make one step forward?
I stand in front of my computer and I desperately think of this subject, devastated from the current
situation. I don’t have the answer to this question yet. So many hopeless failures, although I give my
best to start from the bottom. I make one step forward with my decision and something from the
past will come along and hit me so badly that I am pushed 3 steps backward struggling to take a
breath after the punch. That is a consequence of my previous actions. It’s a fact that I brought
myself and my family to the bottom, I crushed myself and them and now we are all struggling. All
they want to give me is love and support, and all I want to give them is peace after 8 years of endless
pain. But somehow, I see that I am losing. I am losing myself, I am losing them and I am losing their
hope that one day everything will be ok. But I don’t give up. Two months fighting against 8 years of
addiction. It is an unfair battle, but I made this war. I made this situation, I made the struggles. I am
responsible for the financial loss, I am responsible for dignity lost, I am responsible that I can’t do any
better, because I didn’t learn how to fight in the life, but I learned how to fail. And now I am learning
as a new-born child what is good and what is bad. I learn how to appreciate my tries and failures,
and never to give up. I am here because I gave up. I gave up on me, I gave up on the life I deserve.
We all deserve that kind of life. I am writing this because this is one of the steps of the recovery. Put
your emotions and fears on the paper. Take the pain out of you, tell the world that you suffer, but
also whisper to the world that you won’t give up. Over the time that whisper will be the voice of a
successful man, strong and full with confidence. One day and that day is yet to come. And I am
writing this to you, my fellows, my friends in this fight, in our fight. We screw it, and we will make it
better. We deserve to come home, lay in bed and hug our children, we deserve to make love to our
wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and actually feel every part of our bodies, we deserve to have a career
for which we will fight, we deserve to go on a vacation on sandy beach, or at the top of the
mountain overlooking the world, and breathing with our full capacity. And yes, we deserve to go on
a beer with our real friend, talk about politics, sports, and even about the hot waitress. Yes, we
deserve it, and we all have someone who waits for us at home. We all have to do, is to give our best
and never give up. Because we gave up the last time, when we entered the hell of the alcohol and
drugs addiction, and look where that brought us. That is why this time is going to be different.
Because we are not going back. Fight with me.